Disrupt the Shame Stories Keeping You Stuck in Clutter

I won’t forget this vulnerable moment on a virtual consultation, when my intelligent, creative, beautiful client exclaimed, through tears, “I’m 50 years old, I should know how to clean my house” (I’ve edited out her expletives).

The Shame Stories We Tell Ourselves

As a certified professional organizer, I’ve heard many shame-fueled variations of this. Be honest, have you said or thought any of these about yourself?

• I know I should be able to do this myself

• You’d think a grownup can tidy a home, right?

• I don’t know what’s wrong with me that this is so hard

• I’m a smart person but this feels overwhelming 

• I keep trying but failing

• I’ve wanted to reach out for you to help before, but I kept thinking I should know how to do this on my own

A story that shows up for me personally is “Organizing is literally my profession, this should NOT be so hard for me.” (My NAPO colleagues admit this happens to them too. Like we should know better. Our homes should be perfect.)

So when I hear these stories from myself or my clients, I immediately need to disrupt that harmful narrative. These shame loops stuck on repeat are quite literally reinforcing our inability to move forward. We need to flip the script—and I do this by validating the struggle AND empowering via education and practice.

Notice your thoughts, and remind yourself that thoughts are not facts. You can rewrite your own story

The Truth about Clutter and Control

Let me share some universal truths I’ve learned in my experience working with hundreds of diverse families:

• None of us WANTS a cluttered home that feels overwhelming and out of control.

• We are imperfect human beings living busy lives and usually doing the best we can to stay afloat. And due to trauma, grief, circumstances, etc., so many of us are really operating in survival mode.

• We hold ourselves to unrealistic expectations, judging way more harshly than we would a friend or stranger.

• We live in a consumerist society where we are constantly told that we are not enough as we are right now, we need more, we are lacking. Social media exacerbates this with unhealthy comparisons, fleeting trends, and fear of missing out (FOMO).

• We may have had families who hoarded, who demanded OCD-like perfection in the home, who had their own shame with overflowing closets, who didn’t know how to clean but created tons of doom piles, and who—most likely—expected us to figure it out. So many of us have never learned how to organize. We don’t learn how to declutter in school or in the community, and most TV shows gloss over the “During” part of the process quickly (it’s definitely not glamorous).

Why You Don’t Need to Know How to Do This Already

Decluttering and home organizing is a skillset. Remembering this means you can rest assured that these life skills can be taught, learned, improved upon, strengthened, and even mastered.

It’s easy to buy into the idea that we should know how to do this already when we see set-you-up-to-fail headlines like “Declutter your whole home this weekend” or something generic like “5 Tips to Stay Organized Forever.”

Or the makeover shows that make it look painless and Mary Poppins-esque the way they, in less than an hour, transform a chronically disorganized home overflowing with clutter into an Instagram-worthy model home.

Finding What Works for You

There’s so much that gets in the way of being a more intentional consumer. There are real and perceived barriers that block our ability to declutter. Organizing is hard when we are up against perfectionism or executive dysfunction, when shame tells us that something is wrong with us because we have cluttered surfaces or can’t find an upcoming bill.  

We are combatting mental illness, neurodivergence, executive dysfunction, perfectionism, procrastination, lack of time, limited familial support, and so much more.

Here’s what I want you to remember:

There’s no one right way to do this. I have had clients say they tried X approach but it didn’t work. And that’s OK, because it’s not one-size-fits-all.

Marie Kondo’s “spark joy” process came into my world at the exact right moment that I needed to find my joy again—but if I read had read it five years earlier or five years later, it wouldn’t have fueled me in the same way it did then.

The trick is to find what works for you—draw inspiration from this book, that show, this podcast, and that influencer then personalize it to your unique needs. Be open to learning and trial and error. That’s not failure, that’s perseverance.

Invest the time into learning what will work for you, specifically. Don’t compare yourself. Progress over perfection!

Decluttering and organizing is NOT a one-time event. It requires ongoing attention and commitment. It’s a practice, you build it into your routine because you see the value of living with less and experience the calm of an organized home.

You are in the control seat—YOU get to decide how much is enough for you, how your home looks and feels, and how much change you want and need to feel better. When you go through a life transition or enter a new season, you get to adjust based on current needs.

Letting Go of Should and Choosing Growth

We rid ourselves of the shame that keeps us stuck—the “should” mentality—by taking action, even one or two small steps toward less clutter, toward more organized. It’s about moving the needle in the right direction 5% or 10%. Backsliding and pushing forward again. It’s quick wins, it’s talking about our clutter openly with people we trust (who more than likely share your pain), it’s giving ourselves grace that we are struggling with something that’s so normal and common.

It’s recognizing how decluttering is self-care, how organizing is about efficiency and simplifying our daily flow. We invite harmony into our home and our family by making conscious choices to own less and curate a home we love that’s easy to reset. It’s choosing to have growth mindset where we can be uncomfortable learning how to do this—or how to do this better, versus letting ourselves stay stuck in the “I’m a mess, I’m hopeless” mentality.

Baby steps forward. I know you can do this. It’s ongoing work and these small steps forward add up to big rewards. Keep going

So the next time you hear that harsh inner critic saying you “should know better,” PAUSE. Replace it with compassion. Ask yourself: what small action can I take right now to feel a little lighter, a little more at peace in my home?